1. Please select the answer below that most accurately reflects our views on each question. If you are unsure about a question, please note that the phrasing of the question will guide you to the correct answer.

2. Upon completion of your Survey, click your heels together three times.

3. Before logging out please take a moment to reflect upon Michael Steele's genius.

4. Some of you may wonder if there's any point to a survey with such leading questions. These thoughts were put in your head by Rachel Maddow and must be resisted.

Your answers, hilariously, represent the views of thousands of other Republicans living in your area. And your fealty to Michael Steele will help us to recruit and train new Republicans to lose the 2009 state and 2010 national elections.


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Part I. The Republican Party

1. Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections? Check all that apply.

2. What are the key strengths and beliefs of the Republican Party that we can build on? Check all that apply.

3. What are the weaknesses of the Republican Party? Check all that apply.

4. What is the best way to encourage and register new voters in your community? Check all that apply.

5. What technology would you like to see the RNC make better use of to grow our Party? Check all that apply.

6. What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?

Part II. Domestic and Social Issues

1. A recent national poll reported that nearly 25% of Americans want the government to pass more socialism. Do you think this question is leading enough?

2. Which do you believe creates more jobs for the American economy: Nancy Pelosi's Dark Magic or The American Free Enterprise System?

3. The Obama Administration has proposed spending as much as $1.5 trillion to bail out the porn industry. Do you agree or disagree to appear in these efforts?

4. Do you oppose so-called "card-check" legislation, which outlaws free will, causes cancer and legalizes baby-rape?

5. Should Republicans unite to block new federal government bureaucracy and red tape that will crush unborn puppies?

6. Should Republicans in Congress oppose the new wasteful government spending programs passed in the recent "stimulus" bill by the Pelosi-Reid Democrats designed to "spread the wealth"?

7. Was the last question leading enough? Seriously, I didn't even have to change that one.

8. Should we do everything we can to block Democrats who are trying to shut down conservative talk radio with the so-called "fairness doctrine"? Even if they aren't, really? Seriously, we just totally made that up. But you oppose it, right?

9. Should we resist Barack Obama's proposal to spend billions of federal taxpayer dollars on malt liquor, watermelon and fried chicken?

10. Should Republicans unite in opposition to judicial nominees who can form complete sentences, use big words?

11. Should bureaucrats in Washington, DC be in charge of making your substance abuse choices instead of you and your dealer?

Part III. Homeland Security and Defense Issues

1. If Barack Obama tries to gut the USA PATRIOT Act and other important laws that promote the safety and security of all Americans, should Republicans in Congress act petulant?

2. Do you agree that it's strange that the "Domestic and Social Issues" section didn't even ask a single question about gays or abortion?

3. Do you support the use of air strikes against any MSNBC talk show that offers safe harbor or aid to individuals or organizations committed to further attacks on America?

4. Should Republicans unite in support of outlawing Mexicans when Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid try to give them drunk-driving permits, our jobs, our daughters, etc.?

5. Do you think U.S. troops should have to "service" their gay bunkmates when Obama repeals DADT?

6. Do you agree that our top military priority should be fighting Rachel Maddow?

7. Should fags like Barney Frank be able to introduce any military legislation? I mean, he's a fag, right?

8. Even though Barack Obama pledged to throw cocktail parties for the likes of Raul Castro, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, should Republicans continue to focus on supporting Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises in oppressive states like Cuba, Venezuela and Iran?

Part IV. Personal Information

(Notice: this section is optional, but will help give us a more complete survey prospective. Because we pretend to value your privacy, any information you provide will poorly stored, hacked by college students, and published on liberal blogs.)

Guns Owned:

Employment Status:

Education Background:

Are you or your spouse a military veteran?

Are you active within your local public restroom stall?

If "Yes" and you would like to share some hot scenes, please do so here:

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